And you're so fucking perfect?

Sometimes, people really disgust me.

Sitting, waiting on a train the other day, when i overhear 2 guys chatting away.

Man 1 ''check her out sitting on that bench over there'' *motions to girl across platform*
Man2 ''Aye?''
Man 1 ''She's fat, int she? if that was my girlfriend, i'd dump her for being a fat cow. that's rank.''
Man 2 ''Aye. Yir pals wid be laughing at ye for her bursting oot her jeans''.

the girl couldn't have been any bigger than a size 8. the so called ''perfect'' body. and they are ripping into her and slagging her down. What right do you fucking have, you arsehole?

People like this are what cause female folk to be worried about how they look. They're constantly worrying about trying to look better for you that they run themselves into the ground to look like ''that lassie with the perfect bum/legs/belly/arms''. So fucking fancy just manning up and accepting her for what she's like? tell her she looks nice when she's made an effort, if she's panicking, do your best to stop her. And stop comparing her to ''that perfect'' whoever. Cos that's just shite.

what utter arseholes. fuck you.

i hate people.

To a Lous(y person) : my address to you.

This is My attempt at poetry (shite, obv.), nicked from Burns ;)
(in the style of to a louse.)

Haw, where you gawn, Ye horrid lassie,
Ye're lucky that nae cunt has glass'd ye,
I cannae say, but they look past ye,
Wi' THAT face.
Aw SHIT! Ye dinnae scran sparsely,
In the fast fid place.

Ye Nasty, Creepy, slimy wumman
two faced,ratty, hen, you're hummin!
how daur ye place your ain decision,
on aw us folk.
go somewhere else and hide your face
It gies me boke!

Ooft, In some sideshow scuttle,
there you'll be suited, wi' them in total,
Your ither kindred-
Ither cattle.
in herds and fields.
Where neither man nor wumman dare unveil,
Your mucky pail. *bokes again*


Noo joost you wait, ya fly by night,
beneath thae fatty rolls...Snug. And tight *boke*
Ach, hen, you're joost no right,
You've got tae be on it...
the very tapmost towrin height,
of yir high horse.


O wad some power the giftie gie ye,
tae see yourself, as ithers see ye,
It wid frae many fuckups free ye,
ya daft cunt.
away an' bile yer heed,
ya ugly munt.


this one goes out to all the bouncers ;)

The Expendables (Heavy Spoilers By the way).

A few days back I went to the cinema and I saw the most explodey visual event of the year.

The Expendables.

First of all we get Sly ''jellyface'' Stallone and his crew are creeping about a Somali Pirate ship. These pirates are holding somecunts ransom, and are demanding money (3 million infact).
But Sly and the boys are having none of it so basically blast the shit outta them.

One pirate gets shot and his legs are left standing whereas the top half of his body is crumpled against the wall in gay abandon.

Anyhow, They save the day and Dolph Lundgrens character goes apeshit so they tell him to gtfo.


The Expendables is about this :
Bruce Willis comes in and calls himself Church and asks if Sly and The Pyromaniacs can Save The Day on a little island called Valena or someshit. Some baddy with a naughty salt growing team have taken over and the army of this island has went apeshit and started battering fuck out of anyone for no reason. This american cunt is bullying the General (who is the ruler of the island) and is an all round wanker.
The Generals daughter (sandra) is against all this and is like ''fuck you daddy, You're a bastard'' and tries to be the winner. But she gets punched to fuck and water tortured before Sly and the boys step in.

The last half hour of the movie is comprised of ''Holy Tranny Balls'' explosions and not much else. It is a visual feast that rapes your eyeballs with fire and leaves them wanting more. It is a movie that certainly did not disappoint and I loved every minute :) Jason Stathams Never ending Knife supply is Minted. I especially loved the bit where they shot a bomb and it went and fucked nature.

Oh aye, Mickey Rourke is in this movie also, and appears at one point on a motorbike with his shirt undone (vile old man skin) and there is a scantily clad woman who wouldn't look out of place at Hooters is draped over him like a shawl.
He also seems to have a problem with Over salivating as at one point you get so distracted by his drool pool on his lip you stop paying attention to the words passing over them.

Jet Li has obviously been told in this movie to be a Chinaman because his accent is apeshit. I know he his perfectly capable of stringing a sentence together with hardly any accent.


Overall, i enjoyed it lots and would give it 9.9/10 - only because i saw more Mickey Rourke Old Man Flesh than i ever needed to.

Keep your filthy paws off my Silky Drawers.

Random groping. I'm sorry, do I have a sign on me that says 'feel me'? No. I do not. Right, ok, so why does this give you permission to handle me like a bath sponge?

This happens especially in clubs and busy environments where the cunts who will never get any go to try and get some. And usually leave (as expected) with nothing.

These gropey bastards will think nothing of feeling up a random girl as she walks across their path. Sorry pal, after you groped her did she turn round and go ''oh my, you handsome gentleman, let me take you up on your offer of casual copulation and we shall abscond to the bed chamber''?


Did she fuck.

more than likely, she told you where to go (And it wasn't her bed chamber).

One from personal experience, In the union one twelve hour. Some twat keeps putting his hands on my waist. I keep on telling him to fuck off. he doesn't listen.
cue me, turning round and pushing him away. Pal, you're lucky i never done worse. i dont want to be handled like a stress ball. There's a thing called personal space - FUCKING USE IT!!


also, the girls that dress in basically nothing. if you don't want fucking stared at then wear something more than 2 peanut shells and a stamp, thankyou. And if you're not the underwear-as-outerwear type, then fucking stop wearing your grannies net curtain and complaining that people are ogling you - you're flashing flesh, of course folk will look.

anyway, the gist and nub of this is that if you're in a club, expect no less than to get groped by some creepy bastard looking for something he won't get.

2 minutes in my head.

It is times like this sitting on the couch that your mind really wanders it should get up for a snack on the tv theres rabble about Nikki grahame shame that she had anorexia she is also dumb as fuck ok now the maw is slagging her off and my legs are getting sore sitting all scrunched up on the couch i wonder how long you could sit scrunched up for now my neck is itchy so i scratch it i'm getting a bit hungry wonder whats in the kitchen and ill need to check my emails haha those junk emails theyve been sending are ridiculous no i dont want herbal viagra thanks and i sure as hell dont need diazepam and im kinda sleepy now but i dont want to sleep yet so ill get up in a second and make something to eat or drink for i am peckish oh i cannot wait for the cinema to see toy story and that was a weird book i picked up in asda bold shakespeare Macb_th and it took us ages to go round it what a weird name francis chadwick is and i cannot stand screamo music i wonder how much benadryl they go through haha getting caught in the catty crew last night was a laugh walking zombies they were all randUm and individual with their fries and coke and hair extensions and thats just the boys what was katy perrys first album was it one of the boys or one for the boys i dunno who cares anyway shes married a clothes horse with a fancy for cats speaking of cats where is the cat probably away killing something ow my legs are killing me i better get up and fix myself a snack.

Insomniac?

Recently, my journeys into the land of nod have become less frequent. I used to be able to sleep for HOURS, now? ... not so much.

I go to bed and lie there staring at the ceiling (well, actually, my Totoro picture) and try to sleep. Then what? Nothing. Absolutely shite all. Hours pass and I'm still wide awake, even if when I had announced ''i'm off to bed, night'', I was dead on my feet.

something's up? MY CHOLESTOROL HAHAHA!! not. Flora is a champion!

Clearly i've been awake too long. Also, the fact that it's summer and the suns big yellow face decides to peek through your curtahahahha PEEK?? It fucking rips down the blinds and goes into supernova!! It thinks it's a strobelight at Tiesto!! :

Kalms, they're a farce. A Placebo (just another Nancy Boy).

Need to invest in some Melatonin. Can someone put it in a bottle? I've heard it's in turkey (the bird not the country like some weird fountain-of-youth effort.) but it's not Christymas yet.

I may just sit here with my two toasts and cup of tea for a while, and maybe, just maybe, sleep will mow me down like a pidgeon under the wheels of a moving bus.

Facade.

''O wad some power the giftie gie us, tae see oursel's as ithers see us''.

Burns is an old dead man, but he sure knows his stuff. The line above is particularly true.
When is it we start to see others as they truly are? when they don't see it themselves.

Think about it ; when you're a kid, everything is much easier. the only thing you needed to worry about was what colour of crayon to pick from the box. Now it's all changed - we're told to act how other folk think we should.

We are far more concerned about what folk do, how we are seen by others and change how we are to fit in. ''Fit in'' - ahaha. I for one, will not be getting sucked into conformity. Dress the same,talk the same, put on an accent, pretend to like things you don't, hide things you do like - WHY? So that some bastard won't think you're strange?

Stand up for what you like, don't do what people expect of you, don't get put into that box. The more that people try and make you the same as others in this Herd, the more you'll go mental when it doesn't work.

Also, when do folk learn to lie and mistreat others? Is it learnt from parents, or who? There just seems to be this one point where everyone changes. I for one, really don't like it. ''what happened to the good old days? they got absolutely fucked like the rest of them.''
It's good to have folk you can trust and be You around though. It keeps you Grounded in a way.

And I don't really care if you think I'm strange, I ain't gonna change.

Ode to Green Day.

I love Green Day.

They are fantastic. I am currently on a Green Day Binge at the moment, playing every single song and looking at pictures. contemplating reading their autobiography :)

Billie Joe is a God. Simple as.

now my admiration is over, i shall continue on my Binge :)

The Best Dessert Ever.

I have no name for this dessert, so you can decide what it gets called. it is cool because the chocolate sauce goes solid and you can crack through it with your fork and spoon. Here is what you need :)

Necessary Things :
1 pack of Asda Extra Special Belgian Waffles
1 tub of Vanilla ice cream
1 bottle of Askeys ''crackin' '' chocolate sauce
7 chopped strawberries
A toaster
A Knife
A Plate
A fork
A spoon
maybe a chopped banana if you feel like it

First, get a plate. No, not a bowl, a Plate (flat). Now get your strawberries which should be whole, and half them, or chop them up pure willy nilly.

Second, put 2 belgian waffles into the toaster, and let them heat. when you can smell the butter from them, pop them up!!

Now put the waffles onto the plate. Get your ice cream and Scoop 3 scoops out onto the waffles. there should be some meltage going on.

put your strawberries on the plate wherever you like.

Shake the bottle of crackin chocomo sauce, and pour all over the ice cream and waffle combination.

put the ice cream tub back in the freezer

put the toaster away.

put the knife in the sink

now, you are done, EAT IT!!

Caturday Physics Class.

lolcats are fucking top. end of. and i think we would all stay awake in class if it was funnier :) so here is the whatsit. . . PHYSICS IN ACCORDANCE WITH LOLCATS.

in the old days (when people wore pantaloons and whatnot) folk thought space was flat like the kitchen table. but then a big genius badboy came along and said ''naw. its not. its like a blanket, with planet things sitting on it, so it is all bumpy and ruffly. not flat as fuck. then he made equations and shit and everyone was all happy.

another big quantum whatnot appeared and it was schrodinger. his cat was giving him grief about buying him whiskas instead of iams(cos his cat is an iams cat) anyway, thats beside the point. he put the cat in the box with poison cos it was being an annoying fuck, and then decided, due to everything, that if you papped a cat in the box with poison, whether it lived or died depended on you opening the box lid. The point in this? BUY YOUR CAT IAMS!

and finalement, quarks.some bright spark decided that atoms and protons and all that shite were not the smallest things. so they made up things called 'quarks'. they have 'flavors'. (dont try and eat the quarks in the picture. it might kill you).anyway, you get all kinds of names and they go up down strange charm, all that shite. anyways, the fact of the matter is, the quarks in the picture are FUCKING MENTAL.dont try and pack them into a small ball.that is all.

Why I despise Womens Magazines

Womens magazines are all about ''sisterhood'', ''body confidence'', ''happiness in being single'' right? WRONG!! These magazines are contradictory, gossip filled, more than often pointless rags of nothingness. Hence why i don't buy them. Fair play, they do have their good points, like ratings on movies and places to go, but most of the time it is telling you why you should feel good about yourself, whilst making you feel bad.

Cosmo is a badyin for it. I saw one issue not so long ago called the ''Body Confidence'' issue. The main headline of the magazine toted being happy with yourself, say no to size zero, eat that big mac bitch and don't go on the stair master, etc. But alas, it fucked itself royally, for right underneath this headline read ''The Bikini Body diet : Drop 2 stone in a month and get sexy''. wait a minute? i thought we were meant to ''embrace our curves'' and ''eat what we want.'', not ''show them ribs'' and ''eat 2 ryvita a day''. and another one on a valentines issue ; ''How to have a happy single valentines''. then right underneath, ''how to bag that man''. these magazines claim to be helping women feel more confident about themselves and doing things on their own, that they don't need to be 2 kids -and-a-dog type people to have fun. In my opinion they are doing the exact fucking opposite.

The gossip part isn't so bad, but personally, i really don't give a flying fuck if Cheryl Cole (sorry, It's ''Tweedy'' again, until when she takes him back) has malaria (would she care if it was me? no. exactly.) or if Victoria Beckham has lost 3 stone on the raisin and rice diet. Total waste of time, and money. every one is the same. I don't give a fuck about the latest must have must own ugly bastard handbag, i don't give a fuck about who Jordan has pumped now and i most certainly don't need to know how i can drop 3 dress sizes in a week eating goji berries.

No way Pedro

T in the Park 2010 :D

T in the Park was truly the best weekend of my life!

i shall give a day by day account of the best quotes of the weekend.

Thursday : Sitting around outside the tent drinking, when a lass dressed in pyjamas appears from nowhere.

''Hi I'm Stacy, I'm from Aberdeen and the polka dot tent over there, and i thought i'd stop by on the way from the toilet to say hi. so...Hi! who are you all?'' *cue introductions*

5 hours later stacy waves and shouts ''Oh hiya Andrew!!''

Andrew : ''she's like 15 :

Friday : woke up to the legend that was Hugh Grants biggest fan. Now, this boy, who sat with his head zipped outside the tent drinking a strongbow through a straw, was unstoppable. example? here we go . . .

''T in the Park? this is Hugh Grants Park!!'

''who the fuck are you?!?!''

''EVERYBODY!! CAMPERS!! COME AND SEE THE FIGHTING FETUSES!! THERES A RED ONE AND A BLACK ONE AND ONE THATS YELLOW!!''

''Look at they seagulls!! GET OUTTA HEEEEEE!! that wans no movin', it's a wide-o!!''

then all of a sudden, it was quiet. silence. I think Hugh Grant boy passed out. more than likely. what a legend!

so, onwards it was, to the band times. then we returned after a storming set by Muse (Feeling Good was EPIC!!) to drink away :)

Saturday Morning appeared and Jen O'Neill didn't feel good so she had to go home but....she returned like a trooper for Sunday!! :D

Saturday : inside the tent, due to the pissing rain, when a group of folk started singing wonderwall, when all of a sudden, one of them decides the tune wasn't quite right.

''Here, don't you slag ma pals, are you slagging ma pals? we were note perfect!! naw, naw, shut it, get tae fuck'' * Wonderwall starts again*

Also, one of Fraser Shaws first quotes of the weekend was ''You know, my dad is from Leith, eh?'' (now i will know for life that he is from Leith) :p

everybody piled into the tent this night, with the exception of Andrew and Lewis (Lewis had a cracking Roskilde tent in Bright orange :D )

Andrew decided to use this moment to stun us all by announcing ''Lets go to the Red Bull Lock In!! DISCODISCODISCO!!''. i was agog!! :O

and then sleep ensued.

Sunday : Sunday brought the return of Jen (which was momentous!!) and we all got to a day of proper partyage!! the prodigal son had returned!! :D :p

also, sunday is when fraser and niains tent blew away.

went to see Biffy Clyro (Fraser : ''My dad is from Leith, eh?'') and met the guy we affectionately called Boo. we were all standing there, and this lanky guy, who looks mafia-esque, comes up to us and screams ''BOO!! BOOOOOO!!'' right in our faces. he would only stop when we said it back :D

Boo decided to talk to us, saying ''aww hahahaha ayee man, BOO, i wish this was like normal civilisation. i wish normal life was BOO! like T in the Park, tae get mashed every day and everycunt partyin man!! enjoy yersels, cheers. naw, wait, you dont huv a pint, take mine, CHEERS. HAHA BOOOO!!! ''

legend.

Madness was easily the best of the night, and we danced danced to ONE STEP BEYOND!! (Niain ; MADNESS!! SOME CALL IT MADNESS!! )

so, on the way back to the camp on that mudslide that was a path, we sang one step beyond and bantered with folks. eventually we got back to camp, and sat outside cos it was roastytoasty.

sat there, we were all in mid conversation (my dad is from...YES WE KNOW!!) when all of a sudden this ethereal creature with a feather headdress sat down next to us.

''Hi I'm Morag, can i sit with you please? my friends aren't drunk yet and i've got vodka''

Us : aye sure ye can pal, have a seat. we're fae The Weej. Where you from?

Morag : Morrrrningside.

Fraser :My dads from Leith!!

Lewis : want some whisky?

Morag : no, sorry, i can't drink whisky, it makes me violent. i once tried to stab my boyfriend with a stiletto *smiles*.

Niain : T'FUCK?!?!

also, Morag wore more of our clothes than we did, she pilfered them because she was cold. Nice lass though :)

that is the quotes from the outsiders of the group. now for the groups quotes.

Andrew : ''lets go to the red bull lock in! discodiscodisco!''

''it is indeed caturday''
''she was like 15''

''pass the finny mick''

''IM UP!!''

Jen : ''WOO WOO!!''

''are we using the right tent poles?''

''would you like a jaffacake?''

''i can wiggle my knee''

''we need pegs for the tent!!''

Lewis : ''andrex loo roll is like wiping your bum with a puppy''

''im planning my bands round shitting''

''what is this! its a pint of mischief''

''i dont want to drink whisky anymore''

''im scottish!!''

Fraser : ''Backscratchhaaaaa'''

'I'm from edinburgh,eh?''

''You know, my dads from leith.''(constant)

'' we went to marthas!''

''i have coronation chicken!''

Niain : ''CLUNGE!!''

''it is bowtime''

''you fucking homo serpent!''

''Bully him? thats why we keep him''

''I admire kanye wests arrogance.''

''Madness! some call it madness!''

''that's a bit frisky''

''it is toastie time''

''i need a pee''

Me : ''BUFFALO BURGERS!!''

''my wellyboot got stuck''

''ya fat boot!''

''whit ye daeeeein''

''i am the cat''

the best weekend ever, with the funniest people to camp with :)

Green Day and The Lucky Socks.

Oh what a glorious day yesterday was. I woke up with the birds birding and the sun sunning. I had a nice nutritious breakfast of egg (which was eggy) and prepared for my night ahead at Green Day.

So, I got dressed and whatnot and blared the tunes (*rave hand movements*) as I got more excitable. The last thing I prepared were my lucky socks. They are yellow and say ''Cosmic'' on them. Rather scruffy now, but lucky nonetheless.

Fast Forward to the SECC and Joan Jett running about the stage like a mad egg. She may be fifty years of age (ie, my dads age) but she can run faster than me. Not fair. She put on a top notch set.

Then the Pink Bunny came on stage and ran about downing beers and staggering. I got more and more excitable.

THEN....Green Day came on stage and I went apeshit. Seriously. Their set was top notch. All of it. I caught lots of tickerytape stuff. But....that's not all I caught, oh no way Pedro.

The end of the show happened and Tre Cool ran to our side of the stage and launched drumsticks into the crowd. I leapt into the air with gay abandon, and grabbed a drumstick.

As soon as i realised, I screamed. Right in a womans face.

Oh what a glorious night.

Asleep and Awake.

hello.

can i say, that wasp that woke me up this morning was a rude little boy. There i was, sleeping all nice in the quiet, when all of a sudden there was this really loud ''bzbzbz'' noise. i thought it was someone out cutting their grass, merhaps a bit viciously. But no. no sooner had i thought that it was grass cuttage, than the wasp decide to put its speakers on and ''bzbzbz'' even louder.

i ran out of bed. i ran to the door. the wasp still ''bzbzbz'' -ed .

''Kill it. get it. i don't like wasps''.
''it's sound. it's away''
''too late, I'm up now''.

So, I return home (to my home) and I am quite excited about green day at this point.
I cant nap because I am too excited, and keep knocking things over because I'm so sleepy.

maybe this would be the point to mention i took 2 anti allergy tablets (eyes were going buck wild on the itch front) that may have addled my consciousness somewhat. anyhow, that does not matter. verboten. shup.

and i am even more excited now because it is even sooner to green day and i am more sleepy, so basically i am like a marionette with cut strings. damn useless.

rabbles.

Spark Plugs.

Now I cant remember where i saw this, or if i did actually see this, but anyhow let me continue.
i was watching tv i think, where i saw in some show, the car they were driving had broken down. they tried several different things to start the car, including punching it. The gem in the whatsit however is how they actually got the car running again. Not jump leads. they used a Defibrillator.

yes, an electrical device that gets papped on the chest to batter the heart into working again.

i am stunned (not literally, because then i'd be well and truly fucked, wouldn't i?).

the moral and whatsit of the story is that if your car breaks down outside a hospital, jump up to the nearest Cardiac Geriatrics ward and nick the heartstart machine.

Rantage.

Really should start using this thing more often. Really should.

Anyway, some folk just don't know how to take a joke. seriously. there's a thing called fun, and if you don't understand it, then please don't get all emo and angry. shup.

and all the emo scene kiddiwinks out there need to stop being so damn serious.